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Mark "The Pig Whisperer" Smith

The Japanese government will allow non-Japanese to work on farms in special economic zones to alleviate a shortage of labor in rural areas.

“Our offspring will thrive from simply being around a gaijin who uses its only skill of speaking English to receive a minimum wage,” says farmer Ryoichi Tanaka from Akita Prefecture.

Employers in the gaijin-friendly special zones will be required to pay the foreign workers at wage rates comparable to the average English conversation school in Tokyo – enough to live in a small apartment and frequent all-you-can-drink karaoke bars at least once a fortnight.

There will be strict conditions of employment, however, with applicants being required to string at least two sentences together in their native language of English.

Abe announces new “skilled gaijin” policy

The gaijin will be selected after performing a mock lesson and will receive no formal training before starting work.

“The gaijin’s only worth comes from its uncanny ability to speak in its own mother tongue,” says Tanaka.