A man working the late night shift in Minato Ward, Tokyo, last night has rescued a pedestrian from certain death whilst wielding some kind of glowing baton.
“Last shift, I forgot my lightsaber, and at least 13 humans perished,” said Kintaro Sasaki.
“They were good souls, but unfortunately they were unable to follow a few simple traffic rules on their own to get them safely home from the station.”
According to local sources, Sasaki ultimately guided countless people around a few traffic cones surrounding a massive deathtrap about 40-centimeters deep.
“I would have fallen straight down into that pit of hell if it wasn’t for Sasaki and his awesome orange glow stick,” said 27-year-old survivor Yuki Tachibana.