North Korea has announced its first successful offensive missile aimed squarely at the heart of Japan carrying the message, “Cherry Blossoms Suck!”
“This cuts so deep,” Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe announced today at a news conference.
“It may take the nation days to recover from this most heinous of international crimes.”
Japanese Defence Minister Tomomi Inada said on Wednesday that Japan was making every effort to gather information and monitor the situation regarding North Korea’s offensive missile.
“Who doesn’t love a cherry blossom?” Defence Minister Tomomi Inada told the press, “We are investigating whether the North Korean leadership has spiraled further into despotism or if they really have a dislike for all things beautiful and multihued.”
“It’s an affront to our nation ahead of our world exclusive fourth season of spring, which begins next month,” said Inada.
North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un announced that the launch was a categorical success and has been “an inspiration to all”.
“My only regret is that I hired young Sun Kil-yon to paint the kanji part of our first ever offensive missile,” announced Kim Jong-un.
“That part was very faint.”
Kim Jong-un has vowed further retribution against Japan and threatened to fire a second more offensive missile declaring, “Sakura Sux Balls!”
“You see what I did there — I used a literary stylistic device known as alliteration by repeating the same first consonant within the phrase ‘sakura sux balls’,” announced Kim Jong-un.
According to local journalists, Sun Kil-yon has been reported as missing since the missile launch.